But, back to this nursery. This nursery means so much to me, because it almost wasn’t. Like most people do, we’d pictured our perfect family for years. For us it was, two of us, two of them. So, we built our home, with enough bedrooms to fit that dream we held so dear. And then, it wasn’t happening, wasn’t happening….just wasn’t happening. We were diagnosed with secondary infertility, and began a journey that we had never anticipated. And so, this nursery. For a long time, it wasn’t. The room became a bit of a thorn in my side. Every time I’d walk past it, I’d feel that becoming all too familiar, lump in my throat. My heart would skip a beat, and with tears burning my eyes, I’d stare at the open room…my perfect blank canvas, now….leaving me unsure what to do.
We had found the love of our lives in our first son Jackson, and I figured I’ll just make him a playroom, reading room, game room. We were given a less than 1% chance of becoming pregnant on our own again. So, I started envisioning how I would set up Jackson’s new space.
Over 18 months, there were doctor’s appointments, tests, medicines and blood draws. So. Many. Blood draws. We quietly accepted that a second child might not be in the cards for us…as difficult as that acceptance was.
Our docs told us IVF was our only chance to fulfill our dreams. So, we bypassed all other interventions, except for the drugs, and planned IVF for the Fall. I could still see the nursery in my head…but wasn’t sure it would ever come to pass.
September 2015 rolled around. Two weeks to the day before the scheduled start of our IVF journey, we learned that I was pregnant. Cue all kinds of fireworks, motivational music, and tears. We had beaten the odds. Who knows how…it doesn’t really matter.
I remember early on in my pregnancy, my husband bringing the crib up to that room. I remember thinking…oh, it’s so early still…we are tempting fate. But he knew that I needed this. Decorating that nursery was absolutely a healing time for me. We could put the last 18 months behind us…never forget…but move forward with our dreams finally becoming our reality.
This nursery. Our miracle is 12 weeks old this week. And as I sit in this room, I still feel that familiar lump in my throat, feel tears catching in my eyes, feel my heart skipping a beat….but this time, those feelings are perfect. They are from pure joy and disbelief. I can’t believe we finally got here. That I’m sitting in this rocker I never thought I’d get to use again. Our family complete, and all of us at peace.